Cullen drabbles
by Queenbeth2
Summary: Snippets from the life of the Cullen family. Absolutely no plot and completely random.
1. Vices

DC: I don't own it

Okay I'm not promising anything will come from this. This is just random stuff that I'm writing. Kinda like little drabbles. I drabble a lot. And I have a very VERY weird sense of humor.

I also have this really weird love for torturing the Cullen family via family moments. Anyone who has read any of my other stories knows this! Such as the family gets a Wii for christmas and Carlisle sucks horribly at Trauma Center or Edward, at the peak of his sexual frustration runs off yelling "stop tormenting me with your leaf covered nipples!" For those who don't know what in the world I'm talking about...read them!

Now! On to whatever this is...!

Vampire Strength

He stared at the object of his infuriation. Sitting there all quite and still, taunting him.

Yes. It was certainly taunting him. Of that Edward Cullen was sure. He leaned heavily on the table and sighed heavily. Eyeing his target as if it was a criminal.

"You're only doing this to annoy me," he accused in a low growl. "You're doing this because you can and you know what is at stake for me."

No response. He didn't expect one.

"Edward?! Where did you go?" Bella called from the other room.

"I'll be right in my beautiful flower," Edward called. He glared back at his target. He folded his arms and walked to the other side of the table, much like a cop. "Now, we can do this the easy way or the hard way."

No sound. A breeze ruffled through the curtains and tickled his hair. A snarl bubbled up his throat and out through his teeth. He dove.

--

Bella looked over when she heard something crash. She knew better than to worry about Edward. She also knew that he would want her to stay away. Her pasta bubbled at her and she bit her lip.

"Are you okay?!" she called.

"Fine!" He called back. She heard a his growl and raised her eyebrows as she stirred her pasta.

--

"Come on you stubborn cow!" Edward snarled as he rolled on the floor. "You will not defeat me!"

His hands slipped on the cold metal. His throat went dry at the idea of Bella walking in and seeing him like this. He, a vampire. Rolling on the floor in such a horrific battle. His hands slipped again and he rolled onto his knees, clamping his knees around the hard round surface. He gritted his teeth and struggled. The fight would be won! He would be sure of it! No force in the world would keep him from giving Bella what she desired. He would if it killed him!

--

"Geez was it too much to ask that he open the jar of sauce for me?" Bella muttered to herself as she poured the pasta into a strainer. She looked over as she heard soft steps. "Oh, Edward, there..."

He pushed the jar into her hands. It was half empty. The other half was dripping from his bangs, shirt and pants.

"Don't tell Emmett," he whined as Bella started to laugh.

TBC...maybe.

Yay! If you do feel like commenting, please no comments about what vampires are supposed to be like. Parodies follow no rules!! lol. But seriously that kinda kills my fun when people are like but vampires are super strong, there is no way that Edward would struggle opening a jar. This I know. I just thought it was a freaking funny idea...at almost one in the morning.


	2. Scrabble

DC: I don't own it

Thanks to my reviewers!

Yay another dabble! You have to admit, this one is actually pretty accurate lol.

Scrabble

Bella had never attended a Cullen family game night. They didn't have them very often. It surprised her really, what else did they have to do with their wide expanse of free time? Surely they would run out of books to read. Then again, with unlimited stamina, sex never got boring.

But regardless, Bella was happy when Alice suggested the game night and was delighted when they came home with bags filled with various board and card games. The family trickled into the room and took out the first game.

Apples to Apples. Bella had never really played the game so Edward explained the rules to her.

"It's really quite simple," he said, "you take this green card and..."

"Match the red to the green in the dirtiest or silliest way possible," Emmett concluded, "now come on! I've got some winnin to do!"

Edward glared at him but Carlisle dealt the first green card. Easy.

Edward chuckled as he saw Jasper's hand through his mind. He put a card face down and looked around the room. Emmett grinned and put his card down, Edward rolled his eyes. Finally Bella put hers down in silence, much like the girls had.

"Okay first up...bananas," Carlisle read. Emmett snorted. "Alright moving on. Thomas Edison. Well I suppose that works. Light bulbs...ooh nice try but not so much..."

"I had nothing else!" Alice defended. It was a lie. She had gem tucked away and Edward knew it.

"Okay, um, Porche boxter...Spike Lee...O. J Simpson and..." he stopped then burst out laughing.

"What is it?" Emmett asked. Carlisle dropped the card.

"Anne Frank!" Alice laughed.

Bella reached forward and took the green card. Emmett reached over and gave her a high five. He was excited to have such a good opponent.

By the end of the game they were all fairly well matched. But they wanted to move on so the green cards were lined up. "Okay here's what you do," Emmett said, "you read off your green cards."

"Um...okay..."

"Bella you don't have to..."

"Oh can it Edward you're ruining it!"

"Um, well," Bella lined up her cards and read them off. "Easy, Manly, Juicy, Woebegone, Fuzzy, Silly, Smelly, Disgusting, Kinky, Orgasmic, what was the third blank card again?"

"Religious," Carlisle said.

"Religious and Cautious. Now what?"

Emmett was howling with laughter and Jasper was snickering. "The green cards are how you are in bed."

"Sorry Edward!" Emmett laughed.

"At least she's kinky," Alice reminded him.

Bella flushed but laughed anyway. Edward sighed and got out the next game.

"Let's play scrabble!" Bella said, "I haven't played that in years!"

Edward wasn't about to deny her anything so he pulled the game out. They set up the board and doled out tiles. The game started simple enough. Simple words that made up various combinations. Esme was pretty happy when she put down BOAT and got a double word score. Edward beat her word with FISHING when he got a triple score.

"Go Carlisle," Emmett said.

THITHER

Everyone looked up at him. "Oh look, a triple and a double."

"I'm calling crap on that one," Emmett declared.

"It is a legitimate word," Carlisle sniffed.

Alice ignored them and put down her word. YALL

"Okay y'all is not a word!" Edward declared.

"It is so!" Alice argued.

"I'm going to have to disagree," Edward said hotly. "It is not a word at all! It is a contraction of you and all!"

"Look, Eddie-poo, I know you think that you're so high and mighty with your college degrees but I'm afraid linguistics have escaped you," Emmett said, "clearly the girl was right!"

"I agree," Jasper said.

"I'm sorry but I have to side with Edward," Esme sighed. "It is technically a contraction."

"Oh look! Quarter!" Bella said happily, putting her tiles down.

"Good one Bella!" Carlisle said approvingly, noting her score.

"See a new word has been placed, ergo shove it Edward!" Alice said.

"No! No! No!" Rosalie said, taking Bella's tiles off, "we aren't moving on until we resolve this! Y'all is not a word!"

"Oh so you'll let Carlisle get away with words like thither and crap like that but I can't have y'all!"

"IT ISN'T A WORD! IT'S A CONTRACTION!" Edward cried loudly. "Now if you would like to put down you or all you are more than welcome, but there is no such word as y'all!"

"IS TOO!" Alice squealed.

So it stood. Alice, Emmett and Jasper, ready to battle tooth and nail for the legitimacy of y'all against Edward, Esme and Rosalie.

"Would you like some popcorn, Bella?" Carlisle asked, "or anything to drink?"

"Sure," Bella said. Carlisle strolled into the kitchen to fetch her refreshments and Bella replaced her tiles on the board before getting new ones.

"Stop that this isn't resolved!" Alice said, pushing the tiles off again. Carlisle sat back down and handed Bella a can of soda and a bowl of popcorn.

"Would you like to play a game of cards while we wait?" he asked pleasantly.

"Sure," Bella said with a shrug.

"Y'ALL IS THE SAME AS YOU ALL! JESUS EDWARD TAKE A CHILL PILL!"

"Do you have any fours?" Carlisle asked in the same conversational tone.

"Go fish," Bella said. Carlisle drew a card and smiled as he put down a pair of fives. "Any nines?"

"Here you are," he said, handing her the card.

"IF YOU AGREE THAT YOU ALL IS THE SAME THING THEN WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE AWAY THAT Y AND GET ON WITH THE GAME?!" Rosalie argued shrilly.

"IT'S THE PRINCIPLE OF THE MATTER!" Emmett boomed.

"IT'S PROPER ENGLISH!"

"YOUR MOM'S PROPER ENGLISH!"

"YOU HAVE CROSSED THE LINE, SIR!"

"KICK HIS SCRAWNY ASS EMMETT!" Jasper cheered.

"DON'T CALL HIM SCRAWNY BLONDIE!"

"DON'T CALL HIM BLONDIE BIMBO!"

Carlisle ducked as the swarm of vampires collided and lifted Bella out of the way without breaking the movement. "Oh darn it seems you've won," he sighed.

"Yay!"

"Shall we play again?" Carlisle asked as the squabble moved outside.

"Okay."

"BOYS! GIRLS STOP IT THIS INSTANT!" Esme shrieked from outside. "OH DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE!"

"STAY OUT OF THIS ESME!"

"OH THAT IS IT!" Esme declared. Bella and Carlisle looked up as Esme came in dragging each of them by their ears inside. She dropped them on the ground and they rubbed the sides of their head. "Now, you will behave!"

"Oh look!" Carlisle said happily, "Thou!"

His cheery expression was met by six dark glares.

TBC

...because you know they would fight over that.


	3. When Carlisle met Esme

DC: I don't own it

This actually was part of a story I had up for a while. I love the idea of this being how Carlisle and Esme first got to know each other.

When Carlisle met Esme

Esme Platt awoke. That startled her more than anything as she hadn't planned to awake. At least not after the pain. She thought for sure that she was dying. Nothing could cause that much pain. Even giving birth wasn't that painful. Thinking about her son made her heart ache. She struggled to see him clearly in her memory. He was fuzzy and faded.

She sat up slowly. There was snow outside the window. There were no lights around but she could see clearly across the field. She saw the tall and frozen grass and she heard the footsteps crunch in the snow. She saw a shadowy figure in the field staring up at the sky. The wind ruffled his hair.

She took a moment and looked around. She saw everything clearly in precise and sharp color. She could smell everything around her and hear the birds wings as it flew by her window. This was creepy. She stood and felt strange, almost weightless. She caught her reflection in the glass of the window and jumped. She looked in the mirror by the dresser and screamed. Her eyes were like rubies and her skin was as white as the snow.

"Oh! You're awake! I'm sorry I left but I had to go get my paperwork done."

She whirled around and looked at the man in the room. He was quite possibly the most beautiful man she had ever laid eyes on. His hair was smoothed back and pale blonde. His eyes were a buttery gold and he had a very charming smile with sparkling ivory teeth.

"Where am I?" Esme cried.

"You're in my home," Carlisle said. "You've been going through quite the ordeal. I didn't expect you to wake so soon. I must say quite the quick transformation."

"Tran-Transformation?!"

Carlisle nodded.

"I must be dead then," Esme said, looking back at her unfamiliar reflection.

"Well, yes and no," Carlisle said carefully. "You're dead in the sense that your heart is no longer beating, but you are very much alive in every other way."

"What in the world are you talking about?!"

"You're a vampire," Carlisle said with a casual shrug. Esme nodded slowly with wide eyes.

"Okay you're very funny, a regular laugh, now be serious."

Carlisle looked at her with wide innocent eyes. "I am being serious."

What scared Esme the most was how he kept a straight face. He looked completely and totally serious with a tinge of boyish charm. He couldn't have been more than twenty.

"You want me to believe that I am a mythical creature now?"

Carlisle nodded with a small smile on his lips. Esme realized her mouth was hanging open so she closed it. She folded her arms and shifted. She chewed on her lip and glared at him.

"I know you probably don't believe me, but you are a vampire. I am a vampire too."

Esme raised her eyebrows.

"My name is Carlisle Cullen, I'm a doctor and a vampire. I found you dying in the hospital and I bit you."

"You found me dying in the hospital?" Esme repeated, getting irritated.

"Yes."

"And you knew why I was there, correct?"

"You were found after falling..."

"Jumping."

"Jumping off of a cliff," Carlisle amended. Then he realized what he had repeated. "Oh dear."

"Yes," Esme said icily. "I was trying to kill myself."

"Oh well this is awkward," Carlisle said with a small nervous laugh. "You see I thought you had fallen."

"So you just go around vampirizing people who are dying?!" Esme demanded.

"Well...no," Carlisle admitted.

"So..." Esme began waving one hand slightly.

"So I saw you and well..." he trailed off.

"Well?"

"You're pretty," Carlisle mumbled with a shy smile.

Esme face-palmed. "I was trying to KILL myself!"

"Well I didn't know that at the time so you can hardly hold it against me," Carlisle said with an innocent shrug.

"How long do vampires live?"

"Well...um...that...well...depends."

"How long. Cullen."

"Give or take," Carlisle said nervously, "immortality."

"Immortality," Esme repeated. Carlisle nodded. "Tell me, Doctor, what does it mean when someone wants to kill themselves?"

"Well I suppose it means that that one person doesn't like being alive."

"And what do you think it means when the person that wanted to commit said suicide and is told that they have been given immortality."

"Well I suppose that would mean that the person in question wouldn't be too happy," Carlisle guessed with a smile then he met Esme's cold glare and withdrew a bit. "Oh."

"Yeah."

"Well..." Carlisle began, trying to figure something to say. "Fate makes fools of us all."

"You know what you should do," Esme said icily.

"What?"

"Go out to the pond and hold your head under water while I could to a million," Esme hissed.

"Well I suppose but that seems like a waste of a morning."

Esme felt like a blood vessel was going to rupture in her temple.

"You're very lovely."

"Oh sweet lord," Esme groaned.

"Maybe you and I can get to know each other and you can see that this isn't such a bad thing," Carlisle said casually.

Esme glared at him and Carlisle shifted uncomfortably. He really wanted to get to know her. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever laid eyes on and she didn't seem to want anything to do with him. Just then Edward came in. He smiled at Esme and looked about to introduce himself.

"And who is he?" Esme demanded.

Carlisle grabbed Edward by the shoulders and pulled him to his side. "This is Edward, he is my adopted son. His parents died in the spanish influenza years ago. I'm all he has."

"Oh," Esme said softly. Edward was looking around confused. He was about to say something when Esme gently hugged him. "You poor dear. Don't worry, I'll be here to take care of you. Oh you poor lost little lamb!"

"I don't need...oh my..." Edward trailed off mid sentence. Esme was warm and gentle. She smoothed his hair like a mother would and brought comfort to his tortured teenage soul in a way that Carlisle never could. He hugged her back and felt like he would cry if he could.

"So do you want to go get some blood later or..." Carlisle asked suggestively.

"No," Esme said sharply.

TBC

You know that meeting had to be an awkward one. I mean she was trying to kill herself and Carlisle was like om nom. I mean what did he really know about her anyway just that she was a pretty face. Maybe more. Hopefully. Hehe. Shallow Carlisle is a fun concept. I like little ideas about how Carlisle wooed Esme.


	4. Om nom Carlisle

DC: I don't own it

Thanks to my reviewers

This is the result of watching Twilight and the deleted scenes with my friends and joking about it.

Om nom Carlisle

"I love it when men chase me," Victoria purred before slamming James against the tree and noming his neck. She was seriously going all up into his neck and jaw. James growled and kissed her back, a laugh bubbling in his throat. Victoria pushed his head aside and sucked on his neck.

"Insensitive pricks," Laurent groaned. "You know I'm still alone! Think about my poor violin and how nobody has played it!"

James and Victoria stopped and turned. "Violin?" Victoria asked.

"It's my name for my unmentionables!" Laurent said outraged. "YOU DON'T KNOW ME AT ALL!"

James and Victoria looked at each other, shrugged then went back to making out.

---

Laurent once found himself walking dramatically through the woods. He usually liked walking to the dramatic beat in his head. He strode with powerful manful strides. Like a manly Frenchman who hailed from France!

"You gonna walk at regular speed?" James asked. "And how long are you going to make Vicky hold that fan?"

"When I'm good and ready," he snapped. He continued to walk in slow motion as the fan blew his hair in the wind.

"Do you hear that?" Victoria asked.

"What? The sound of my glorious person?" Laurent asked.

"Sounds like some vampires are at play," James grinned, "how about we go check it out."

"This may require walking at normal speed," Victoria said back to her strange companion. The three strode with powerful manful strides towards the clearing where the vampires were playing ball.

---

Carlisle was horny. He never liked being in such a state because Esme rarely was when the kids were in town. He knew the reason he was horny was because she was wearing fairly tight pants. Her butt stuck out when she was up to bat and he was in heaven.

But since he was so distracted by Esme and her luscious backside he didn't notice her hit the ball until it hit him in the face. He did manage to catch it though which redeemed him in the eyes of his team, but a severe glare from Edward told him he had to get his act together.

_Oh like he's one to talk. He's be gawking at Bella every chance he can get! He wants to tap that and tap that hard!_

"Carlisle! Kindly shut the hell up that is disgusting!"

"I happen to think you would be better suited with a vagina, so sue me."

_Payback is indeed a bitch!_

"Esme! Carlisle is thinking about you naked again!"

"Yeah he can get like that."

Edward watched a blush creep across Bella's cheeks and laughed. The game stopped when Alice saw the three vampires on their way. The vampires flocked around Bella.

"Mm what could that be about?" Victoria purred.

"Hello, I am Laurent, and this is James and Victoria," Laurent said with a smile, "we heard the noise and came to investigate."

"Unfortunately your hunting has caused a bit of a bind for us. We live here full time you see."

"No problem, we were just passing through. Your name?"

"Carlisle. And this is my family."

Carlisle. That was his name. Laurent sighed as he looked over the angelic face with eyes and hair of gold. He was talking about something but he didn't hear it. He was focused on the soft lips as they shaped themselves around the words. Laurent bit his lip and sighed.

His chance to marvel at the beauty of the doctor was short lived and James ruined things as he always did. That was just great! However was he going to get a date with the golden adonis now?!

He left with his companions.

"I'm going to get that girl. Oh it'll be a marvelous hunt," James growled with a grin on his face. Whenever he was worked up he made out with Victoria. So Laurent took the chance to get away.

---

"What are you doing here?" Carlisle asked as Laurent appeared.

"You are the only one home? The others are protecting the human girl no doubt. I came to warn you about James."

"Come in," Carlisle said. They went into the living room. "Why does James want Bella?"

"It is the thrill of the hunt. Tell me, how long have you been here?"

"I moved her with my wife and adopted children two years ago."

"Your wife? The blonde?"

"Brunette," Carlisle corrected.

"You prefer brunettes?"

"Um...yes I suppose."

"Lighter brunettes or darker like mine?"

Carlisle shrugged. "Both I guess."

"You're English right?"

"What does this have to do with anything?"

"Yes. No?"

"Yes, I'm British."

"How old?"

"Three hundred and sixty."

Laurent smiled. "What do you do here? You say you live full time."

"I'm a doctor at...oh my!"

Carlisle gasped when he was tackled by the olive skinned French vampire. Laurent kissed him hard.

"Mmf!" Carlisle protested.

"Oh you have no idea how long I have waited for this day! Play my violin! Play it with your beautiful British fingers!"

"OH DEAR LORD!"

"So long I have waited! So long!"

"For the love of all that's holy! Please desist!"

Carlisle was pinned. Curse his slight effeminate frame! Curse it to hell!

"You are the one I am looking for! It's you! You beautiful blonde adonis! Creature of grace and beauty! Heal the wounds of my heart by having manly sex with me!"

Carlisle wasn't horny anymore. He actually briefly wondered if he survived this if he ever would be again.

"Carlisle! Are you here?!"

"Esme! Help! The Frenchman is trying to rape me!"

Esme ran in. "Can you really only think of sex at a time like this?!" She cried.

"HELP ME!"

Esme pulled the other vampire off of her husband and gave him a look. "He's mine."

"B-but! Oh drat it! All I wanted was a blonde three hundred year old english doctor that would love and cherish me forever! Who would play my violin and make me sing his sweet melody! I'm doomed to walk this earth alone!"

"Try lowering your standards," Esme suggested. "What does a violin have to do with anything?"

"He means his penis and or prostate, Esme!" Carlisle cried. He was crouched on Edward's piano as if Laurent was a mouse. "That man wants to have sex with me!"

"But alas," Laurent sighed sadly, "it isn't meant to be. Farewell my almost lover, I shall never forget thee."

With that he jumped out of the window and Esme rolled her eyes. "The door was right there," she grumbled. Carlisle just cried into his knees.

TBC

Okay this is nothing against Laurent but my gaydar went off when I saw him in the movie. My friends and I watched the deleted scene and we laughed at his face when the other two were making out. Then we felt bad and decided that he would be most attracted to Carlisle. Why Carlisle? Cuz he's cute :)


End file.
